


Instinct

by bluewindfall



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Character Study, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Okumura Yukio Centric, Vague manga spoilers, spoilers up to chapter 123
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25828753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluewindfall/pseuds/bluewindfall
Summary: As early as he can remember, he has always been afraid of something.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 38





	Instinct

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just in case you didn't see the tag, this has spoilers up to chapter 123 of the manga. 
> 
> Thanks, and I hope you'll like this! :D

As early as he can remember, he has always been afraid of something. Since before he could write his own name, he was afraid of the dark. Around the time he started wearing glasses, he was afraid of demons. As he grows up, grows taller, grows incomplete, he is afraid of disappointing others.

As he steps off a building with over thirty floors, he is afraid of dying. By the time he pushes himself off the ground unscathed, with the deafening throb of his heart pounding in his ears, he is afraid of himself. 

Fear isn’t enough though. He tells himself it is power. It is strength. Toudou was right after all. These eyes are not his. These eyes are Satan’s. 

It doesn’t take long before he’s afraid of losing control, of himself, of his life, of these precariously arranged relationships where no one knows who he is beyond the guise he cares for them to see.

In the midst of that, Shima’s offer dangles at the corners of his vision, masquerading as a lifeline, made of barbed wire. 

Hours turn to days, turn to more days, but things inevitably begin to tilt, slipping, falling, crashing to the ground. 

The father he spent his entire life looking up to is someone he barely knew. This organization he has dedicated himself to, this place he thought he could belong, is nothing but a disgusting mirror image of the Illuminati, corrupt and festering from within. 

In a single night, he loses hold of that careful version of himself, crafted from the sheer, flimsy material of woven expectations. At that lowest point, he hears deranged, furious laughter. 

Why does Satan laugh so much? Why does he have to laugh so loudly? 

He hurts Rin, but it's only one of many times that he has done so. If he cannot protect without harming what use is he at all? He hurts Rin to keep him away, but it’s hard to lie to himself. He’s tired of it. 

The disbelief etched across Rin’s face is crippling. He has to wonder if his brother knows him at all, if he couldn’t see this coming. 

They are different. At this point, they might as well be strangers. Rin’s precious brother is a little boy, with kind hands and modest goals, who still dreams of becoming a doctor. He would never have hurt Rin, yet Yukio has done so without hesitation. 

What even is he? It’s a strange thought. Perhaps he doesn’t know himself either. 

That lifeline sways in front of him, and this time, he has nothing left to lose.

Soon enough, he learns what this power in his eyes is. They tell him he isn’t fit for demonic possession. He knows better than to believe that. So long as he is useful to them, he is a threat to Rin.

What little time he has to himself, he spends thinking. 

Each and every thing he wants has roots. They are pale and thin and gnarled, having never seen the light of day. He wanted to become stronger because he was afraid of losing his brother. He wanted to know about their past because he was afraid of these eyes. He didn’t want help because he was afraid he would burden those closest to him. He couldn't be a burden because he was afraid he would harm others. That, of all things, was not acceptable. 

But he can’t seem to be bothered with it anymore. When he asks Lightning’s familiars to destroy the airship, he doesn’t care for the staff onboard. That says something about him, doesn’t it? 

He goads Lucifer to kill him, but in the end he is still afraid of death. How else does Satan know when to protect him? It’s one of the fundamentals all exorcists know. Demons are nothing if they cannot sense fear. Satan is no exception. 

The minute he stepped foot onto this ship, he has been racing against a clock only he can hear. There is one way he will allow this to end, and it doesn’t matter if he’s afraid. 

The question he needs to ask himself is simple. What does he fear more?

He raises the steel rod mere centimeters from his eye, and he tells Satan something he has been afraid of for a long time. 

They are similar. Envy is a hideous thing. It’s easy to recognize. 

But he falters when Rin appears in front of him. 

They have done this over and over, upon countless iterations. If Rin refuses to understand, Yukio won’t back down either. He has finally earned a place for himself. He has friends who would risk their lives for him. How dare he throw that away so thoughtlessly?

Yukio knows what it’s like to lose those things. It hurts. It would hurt Rin more. 

He’s not worth it. 

Satan laughs. He is always laughing. 

Yukio curls his index finger around the trigger and he wonders how his brother can be so stupid. 

_ How many times do I have to harm you before you see me for who I really am? _

Satan isn’t laughing at Rin though.

He’s laughing at Yukio. 

That’s fine. 

He can laugh all he wants. 

When this is finished, Yukio will look him in the eyes, and at the very end of everything, he’ll ask what exactly was so funny about any of this.

He’s not afraid anymore. 

After all, fear is only a self-preservation instinct. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> This was just a short thing I wrote on tumblr. Recently, reading the manga makes me kind of sad, so I ended up writing this to try and sort out the thoughts a little? :) Feels like I have to keep reevaluating his character or I'll lose sight of it.
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for reading!! :D Please let me know if you noticed any errors or typos, or have suggestions for improvements!! Also, if there's anything you liked, I'd love to hear it if you have time!!! ^^
> 
> Again, thanks so much!
> 
> \- bluewindfall


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